User:JJPMaster/aaa

An Antihistamine's Adventures by J. Ponce

Legal Notice

A drug's inclusion in this story does not constitute an endorsement or opposition by the authors.

The drugs belong to the following companies:

Bayer AG (Claritin®, Aleve®) Sanofi SA (Allegra®, Ambien®, Plavix®) Viatris Inc. (Zoloft®, Xanax®, EpiPen®, Lipitor®) Bausch Health Companies Inc. (Ativan®) Neurim Pharmaceuticals (Circadin®) Janssen Pharmaceuticals (Concerta®, Haldol®) McNeil Consumer Healthcare (Tylenol®, Zyrtec®, Benadryl®) Novartis International AG (Focalin®) Eli Lilly and Company (Prozac®, Strattera®) GlaxoSmithKline PLC (Paxil®, Wellbutrin®, Advil®) Teva Pharmaceuticals (Provigil®) Allergan PLC (Celexa®, Lexapro®) Purdue Pharma (OxyContin®) Mallinckrodt Pharmaceuticals (Methadose®, Roxicodone®) Recordati Rare Diseases (Desoxyn®) Roche Pharmaceuticals (Versed®, Klonopin®) Takeda Pharmaceuticals (Vyvanse®, Adderall®) Pfizer Inc. (Paxlovid®)

Some parts of this story's plot are derived from the 2006 video game The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, as well as the 2011 video game The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.

Chapter I: It's Claritin!

My name is Claritin. I serve Methadose as a knight and have done so for seven years. I'm here, in front of the Benzodiazepalace, and there are many people here. Let's see who I can see… Princess Allegra, the daughter of the king. She is a sorceress, who, according to the legends, was blessed by Methadose with the inability to feel pain. That doesn't seem much like a blessing to me, however; she must have burned herself hundreds of times as a child without even noticing. I also can see Princess Concerta, Allegra's stepsister; they are not very fond of each other. Concerta is also a sorceress, but she is better than Allegra at the craft; she is working on two spells, Strattera and Vyvanse, that make their users attack more accurately, but they are still in development. Next to Concerta is Prince Focalin. He's like if you took Concerta, and flipped her completely. Despite their countless differences, they're married, so all power to them. Next, there's Ativan; my student. He is a twelve-year-old page, and he uses a sword named Prozac, which can supposedly only be wielded by those of royal blood, and a shield called Klonopin, with no legend attached. Next, there's OxyContin, my superior. She is a bit aggressive, but she seems to know what she's doing. Over there is Circadin, a sorceress who is infamous for putting people to sleep. I mean that literally, as in making them fall asleep, not killing them. And here's my unspecified pet, Provigil. Finally, I see a few of the king's employees: Celexa, the king's secretary who is probably a goddess because she's omniscient, Lexapro, Celexa's daughter who is much more well-known than Celexa herself, Dexedrine, the king's healer, and Paxil, Dexedrine's wife and assistant. In the distance, I can see King Xanax himself… or rather an illustration of him because he never leaves his office. He is very quiet and reserved; I have never seen him since my knight induction ceremony seven years ago. I'm not even sure if he's alive.

Celexa walked up to me, and said "King Xanax would like to speak with you." I realized that what I just wrote is already out of date. I go inside of his palace and see him right in front of me, saying "Oh, if it isn't our Claritin again? Long time no see!" I do believe that seven years counts as a long time. I said, "What do you need, my lord?" He said "I need you to show up at this palace tomorrow at 13:00. You will have to give a speech to the people of this lovely land." "A speech?" "Yes. A speech about absolutely anything you want. You'll be the first to speak at this ceremony." "A ceremony for what?" "As I said, you can say whatever you'd like. The ceremony serves absolutely no purpose, my dear!" "...'My dear'?" "Yes, it's my way of showing respect to you." "Uh… okay? Anyway, I'll be there." I packed my things and left. But Lexapro was in front of the door, and simply said, "Claritin… you need to stop." "Why is that?" "This… this ceremony… it won't go as planned… I can feel it…" "Are you threatening me?" "I assure you, I am not. Please… just listen to me…" "I'm sorry, but I have to show up here. To violate the orders of the king is treason." "Fine… I'll be there to make sure nothing terrible happens." And then, I was off, ready for this ceremony. When I was there, I realized that I definitely should have followed the word of Celexa's daughter.

Chapter II: Unwelcome Visitor

It was the 8th of First Seed. The ceremony was to start in five minutes. I was not prepared by any means. I was sweating profusely and shivering, as I was going to speak first. Lexapro, as she promised, was standing next to me. I asked her, "why didn't you want me to come here?" "I could tell… he is going to come." "Who?" "…Have you ever read the Writings of Methadose?" "Yes, I have. I read them during training." "They said something of a 'Time of Cleansing' when the Dark Lord would return." "The Dark Lord… you mean… Z-Z-Z-why can't I say this?" "Either this is Methadose's attempt to protect you, or his name is just unpronounceable. I'm betting on the second one." I chuckled. "Well, what were you going to say about him?" "When the Time of Cleansing was to come, he would exit his homeland of Adderall, and come here, to Ambien. What would happen afterward is not confirmed." "So, why do you think that the Time of Cleansing is related to this ceremony?" "My mother, before serving the king, was a priest and wrote the Commentaries on the Writings of Methadose thirty years ago. This book discussed the Time of Cleansing, and stated that 'Those with the blessing of omniscience will receive a warning from Methadose when the time has come.'" "Then why didn't your mother tell me about this?" "As you yourself said, 'To violate the orders of the king is treason.'" "So, what was this warning that you received?" "I could hear his words… he said 'Watch out… he will come.'" "Are you sure that that was Methadose?" "I mean, I guess not…" "You were probably just hallucinating." "That's possible, but we should still be on guard, in case something happens." "Alright."

Allegra walked up to me, seeming tired. She normally only is tired when she is distressed. I asked her how she was doing. "I… I feel alone…" "I'm sorry, you can try using Ativan's sword." "Oh, you mean Prozac?" "Yeah, it can really help with this." "I'll try that, but… I… I don't know what is happening… I just… I just think that it was true…" "What was true?" "The Writings! The time has come… and I'm not ready…" "If something happens, I'll be here." "T-Thank you…" "No problem."

I could see the sky darkening suddenly. I, too, became disoriented… and then… I saw him. The infamous, mythical, malevolent wizard, honored in song and dance across all of Methadosia… Z-Z-Z-What was it again? Oh yeah, Zyrtec! I suddenly felt thirsty, before his accursed voice rang out. "I bet that you weren't expecting us here," he said, as some strange woman appeared next to him. "Here, this is my new second-in-command, Versed. For the record, she alone can obliterate all of you twelve times over. I'm talking to you, Allegra!" The princess responded to the threat. "What?" "You will feel her wrath in due time." "Why?" "That, I cannot disclose, but there is one thing that you may want to know before you ask me any more questions." "What?" "It is I, Zyrtec the Almighty!" Allegra screamed, before returning to my side. "Claritin, can you do anything?" "I'm sorry, Allegra, but we'll have to wait this out. I can't somehow cast him back into Adderall right now." "What if we destroy the Amulet of Ki-" "I would appreciate you still being human, as opposed to turning into a stone dragon statue." "Oh… just let me know if you find out anything that you can do here."

There was nothing I could do here. I just pulled out my sword named Benadryl and brandished it.

"Oh, Claritin. You think I'm frightened? Well, you might want to think again!"

I saw bolts of lightning appear around me, and retreated.

"I see you have learned your lesson. I'd like to inform you that I won't give you a second chance next time." I was confused and asked him straight up.

"What is this all for? What do you want from me?" "I do not want anything from you. What I want, is for you to stop asking me questions immediately."

I suddenly felt severe chest pain, as I ran into the palace to ask for Dexedrine's assistance.

I heard Celexa ask me, "What happened? Please, tell me!" "We appeared to have been in the company of an unwelcome visitor; Zyrtec himself?" "How?" "Your daughter told me that your Commentaries said that she would know when the Time of Cleansing would arrive. It is here." "It has come? Are we going to survive?" "He is the one to decide that." "How did I not know?" "I don't know why you don't know." "Okay… so why are you here?" "I need Dexedrine's assistance." "Alright, I'll get him now." I suddenly felt dizzy, before I started trying to not just die as I waited for Dexedrine. I told him what was happening, and he gave me two magic remedies called something like "az-per-inn" and "Ny-charo-gliss-err-inn" or something. All that matters is that my chest is normal again. Actually, that's a lie, I now have to use a few magical remedies called "Lipitor", "Plavix", and "lisinopril" every day for the rest of my life. But, I'm fine with doing that.

Chapter III: Some Statins, Stat!

I went to bed and woke up, with Princess Allegra right in front of me. She asked, "Why did you run away?" "I had chest pain." "Were you having a heart attack?" "A heart… attack? I don't know what that is, but now I'm taking three magical remedies." "That doesn't sound great." "I know. By the way, how's Concerta doing?" "Now she seems to hate me even more than usual. I'm not sure why." "Neither do I. I need to take those magic remedies now." "Go ahead." "Wait, I told you about Prozac yesterday, right?" "Yes?" "You can ask Ativan about that now." "Alright. Thank you!" "You're welcome, Your Royal Highness."

Hey, I remembered the appropriate title to use there! Anyway, I was interested in these remedies and decided to read the Pharmacopoeia of the State of Methadose (PSM), which is a book listing all of the commonly used medicines in Methadosia. Let's see here… albuterol; I can breathe perfectly… alprazolam; that's the king's… amlodipine; I greatly enjoy calcium… amoxicillin; I guess my throat is a bit sore… amphetamine; this one reminds me of Zyrtec again… aripiprazole; the only voice I hear is my own since I'm saying this out loud… aspirin! That's what it was called! Let's see here… "Place 2 g of salicylic acid in a 125-mL Erlenmeyer flask"? I don't think this is what I'm looking for. Move a bit down… "a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug, indicated for mild to moderate pain," not quite… "serves as an antiplatelet drug, preventing blood from clotting; can be used in the prevention of myocardial infarctions (heart attacks)." Alright, that's why I was given it. Maybe what Allegra said was true. A bit below that is atorvastatin, which I think I heard Dexedrine say when giving me Lipitor. It says "inhibits an enzyme responsible for the production of low-density lipoprotein (LDL), preventing the formation of arterial plaque, and reducing the risk of myocardial infarctions." Seems fair.

Next, there was that "ny-charo-gliss-err-inn", so I'll check the N section. Here we go… naloxone; I serve Methadose, but don't overdose on him… naproxen; I haven't created that spell yet… neomycin; I don't enjoy hives very much… nitroglycerin! It says "is metabolized into nitric oxide, which is an agonist for an enzyme that dilates blood vessels; is used to treat chest pain caused by disruption of blood flow to the heart muscle (angina pectoris)." Fair enough.

Next, let's deal with Plavix. Alright… paracetamol; wrong name… paroxetine; I didn't meet her during my appointment with Dexedrine… Paxlovid; that medication isn't supposed to exist yet… penicillin; please clarify which one… phenobarbital; I'm already tired… phentermine; I love my appetite… phenytoin; I'm fine with search and seizure… Plavix… it just says "see 'clopidogrel' for information." AAAAH! And… calcium carbonate; I love acid… captopril; this one's interesting, I mean it ends with "-pril" like lisinopril, so I guess they're similar. Let's see… it "inhibits the angiotensin-converting enzyme (ACE), preventing the production of angiotensin II, a substance (-in) that increases pressure (-tens-) in blood vessels (angio-)", so that's that. Anyway, let's continue; carbidopa/levodopa; I don't need any more dopamine… carvedilol; beta is my favorite Greek letter… cetirizine; AAAAAHHH! Oh sorry, I just get worried when I hear Zyrtec's generic name. Let's continue; citalopram; Celexa is a great person, but I don't want to take her… C-Claritin? I'm a medication? I… I can't believe this… I need to go tell my family… I'll be right back…

They didn't believe me. Anyway, clonazepam; maybe Ativan's shield needs an upgrade, clonidine; to be fair, no other medication combines the pressure-lowering and focus-enhancing abilities of that one; I might want to ask my psychiatrist about it… finally, we have clopidogrel. Let's see what this one does… oh, it's another antiplatelet medication. Apparently, you're supposed to take it with aspirin, so I'll go buy some now.

I'm back from the store, and I've taken all of my remedies. I'll need to share the news of the incident with King Xanax. I take a carriage ride over to the palace and walk in. As I approach him, I suddenly find myself in some unknown place and see some strange creatures in the distance, running towards me. I pull out my trusty sword named Benadryl and attack them. They suddenly became disoriented, giving me time to run away, but I can vaguely see them in the distance. After running for a while, I encountered Circadin. "Claritin?" "Yes, Circadin?" "What are you doing here?" "I have no idea. I just walked into the king's palace, and suddenly ended up here." "You are in a Plane of Adderall, the land of Zyrtec. I got here through a portal that was randomly formed in the local pharmacy. There should be a few patients here as well." "How do I get out of here?" "I'm afraid there is no way that I have found." "Could we somehow destroy this Plane of Adderall?" "We may be able to do that, but we may not make it." "I'm fine with that risk, Circadin." "Alright, let's do this!"

And we sure did.

Chapter IV: Hell Has Frozen Over

We headed off to find something to do in this strange realm and found another set of those creatures. Circadin dealt with them all using her iconic sleepy staff. We walked around, not seeing any creatures in sight, but found various strange notes. They seemed to be written in some foreign language that neither Circadin nor I could decipher, although, the handwriting did look a bit familiar. I just held on to them so we could investigate them later. We continued walking around until I noticed that Circadin's face was starting to look swollen and red. She also seemed to be unable to breathe. I rapidly used the EpiPen spell to reverse that, and asked what happened. "I don't know; I just had an allergic reaction. I'm not allergic to anything, as far as I'm aware." "Maybe you're allergic to something that only exists in Adderall." "Methadose would never do such a thing to me." "Maybe it was a way to save you from being in Adderall." "That doesn't make sense; that means that he'd rather want me dead than to be here." "He wouldn't want anyone to suffer the torture of being here." "Fair enough. May he guide us through our journey."

We departed and ended up in some strange ritual building thing. As we climbed the stairs, those accursed creatures returned. I had Circadin use her sleepy staff, but it ran out of power after three more uses, and I had to use Benadryl on the rest before it became dull, and I had to use my generic iron sword. When, or rather if, I return to my homeland, I'll give my sword to Concerta so she can help me polish it, and I'll hopefully have it returned to me by nightfall. But, since it's so huge, it might take her all night.

Anyway, we entered some sacrifice room, where a humanoid creature that was significantly stronger than the other ones was able to almost kill Circadin. My generic iron sword did succeed, however. We got out of that room, only to return to the main section with more of those accursed creatures, which I could kill almost immediately before my iron sword broke. Circadin and I became intensely worried until I found a knife in my backpack that I had put there a few weeks prior for some reason. As I continued to climb, the cycle happened again: creatures appear, slashy slash, they die; creatures appear, slashy slash, they die. After I got to the next floor, the new cycle began: humanoid creatures appear, slashy slash, they die, regenerate health. After we got to the very top, the building's roof suddenly collapsed, and we saw that it was snowing. In Adderall. We were very concerned about this, but we thought nothing of it. We got to the part where some strange stone was held, and I used my dagger to slice it in half, destroying both the stone and the dagger; I then found myself outside of the palace again. I spoke to Circadin following this incident. "Claritin, what do you think we should do about these notes?" "Let's give these to OxyContin. She, alongside being my superior, is a polyglot. She might be able to decipher this." "That seems like a good idea. Let's try it." "Let's go do that now, Circadin!"

And try it we did.

Chapter V: Our King's Knowledge

I went to OxyContin and handed her the notes. I was quite anxious, and I'm not really sure why. "What do you want me to do with these, Claritin?" "I'd like you to decipher what they mean. It's for our investigation of the Zyrtec incident." "Sure, I can decipher this for you, under the condition that you have to get me a second bottle of water today." "O-Okay?" "Alright, let's see what I have here…" She stood there in silence for a few minutes. I asked Circardin a question really quickly. "Hey Circadin, are you sure we need to do this? Do these notes have any importance?" "They may seem superfluous, but they must mean something. I'm sure of it." "Makes sense. But why do you think there were portals in the pharmacy and the palace specifically?" "I doubt that that was intentional. But I guess we'll find out soon."

Oxy suddenly interrupted. She said, "I've deciphered the first of these three notes. I have written what it says in English below."

It says: "To Zoloft with Methadose is what I say I used to serve him; he led me astray I soon would cleanse myself of all of my sins This new thought gave me needles and pins." The author said "to Zoloft with [person]", which is a common alternative to saying "to hell with [person]", so it seems like this person isn't very fond of Methadose. I'm still not sure who wrote this, but I'll ask Circadin about it. "Circadin, what do you think about this note?" "It looks like a poem of sorts. So this person seems to have abandoned Methadose. He wouldn't be proud." "Do you have any idea who this person could be?" "No. I think we need more information. This information could likely be gained if the other two notes were deciphered."

On that note, Oxy then deciphered the second note. It said the following: "I would then change my point of view And honor a new leader, the same one you do I've found myself through him, my crisis is over To find him, I must have had a four-leaf clover." It seems like this person, after ceasing to serve Methadose, decided to serve someone else. I'll assume that that "someone else" was Zyrtec. I asked Circadin again. "What have we gained from this new information, Circadin?" "Honestly, we haven't learned much more here. I don't know many people who abandoned Methadose for Zyrtec. Although, I do predict that the person here will be someone very unexpected; it won't be some random guy on the street." "That's a fair assumption." Oxy then told us what the final note meant. I still cannot believe what I read. "He is our master, our wonderful saint When I pray to him, I truly feel faint And in honor of Zyrtec, I faithfully sing, For I am no one but Ambien's king."

Ambien's king. Methadose is the largest country on Ambien and is essentially considered to be its capital. Therefore, the king of Ambien is… the king of Methadose! King Xanax is the traitor! I needed to inform Circadin of this immediately. "I've got it! It's the king! He's our guy!" "No… I can't believe it…" "He literally called himself 'Ambien's king' here! There's no doubt! And it's his handwriting!" "What will we do… if we confront the king, we'll be executed…" "Start a revolution! That's what we do! Recruit as many civilians as possible to rise up against our king!" "How hard will that be?" "Just call Seroquel, the whistleblower. She can spread the word to everyone in secret, and just like that, we'll win over the civilians, the military, and the royal family. Then we'll march on into the palace, and deal with him, once and for all!" "That seems like… a rather detailed plan." "I know, that's the only way we can solve this problem. He's responsible for all of this, and if we deal with him, we'll have dealt with the problem." "That seems… reasonable. I'll get back to you on that." "Got it. And make sure to actually get back to me!" That was quite the experience, but I knew that this was only the beginning. For the record, I did in fact give Oxy the second bottle of water.

Chapter VI: Confrontation

Circadin and I found Concerta and asked her to polish Benadryl, but she outright refused and ordered us to go away. But we still needed to find Seroquel. Her whereabouts are not necessarily public knowledge, so we needed to track her down. I decided to purchase her latest newspaper, hoping that this would give me a clue. It did. It said, "send a fax to +58 (651) 108-108 for business inquiries." I don't own a fax machine, so I needed to get one. Oxy owns one, so I asked her for it. "Ms. Contin, I need a fax machine. It's to assist me with my investigation of King Xanax's actions." "I still can't believe that it was the king all along… anyway, here you go. You must get me a third water bottle today." "Yes, ma'am."

I gave her the bottle and took the fax machine home with me. I brought Circadin, and she was the one who wrote the fax. It said as follows: "Dear Seroquel, I require to meet you in person, as I am engaging in an investigation that involves sensitive matters, and I cannot send this over fax, as we worry about security.	Sincerely, 		A concerned observer"

We were worried that the message could be intercepted, so we couldn't include our real names, as we don't enjoy former King Xanax knocking on our doors to ask, "Hey, why are you contacting Seroquel? Are you investigating my heresy?"

We received a reply soon after, in the form of a letter instead of a fax, for some reason. "Dear concerned observer, I must ensure that I can confide in you. I'd like you to head to Concerta's room in the royal palace and 'accidentally' drop a piece of paper with the word 'You' on it. This is a way I can make sure that you are a real person, and not just some spy hired by the royal family."

This was a strange offer; that's exactly why we decided to do it. We had two goals in mind here; don't let Concerta see me, and don't let the king see me. If Concerta sees me, she'll be confused as to why I'm there and will order me to leave again. If the king sees me, he'll realize that I'm onto him and execute me on the spot. I decided to crouch and head over to the palace. I'm very surprised as to how no one noticed. I made it into Concerta's room, and she put something on her door saying "NOT HERE". I have no idea why she did that; I then opened the door, grabbed a sheet of paper from her desk, wrote "You. -Claritin" on it, and hid the page in a nearby chest. I then ran back home and faxed to Seroquel again. It was only one sentence. "Consider it done. It's in the chest."

I then heard someone knock on my door. It was Seroquel. I closed the door and had her sit at my desk. "What do you need from me, Claritin?" I whispered "It's the king! He's the reason for all of this!" "For what? For the Adderall invasion?" "Yes, obviously! We decoded a poem written by him, that was a prayer to Zyrtec." "I, as a whistleblower, ensure that my sources of information are valid and legitimate. Please hand me the poem." I handed her the translation of the poem, as well as the original version for comparison. "This is… rather incriminating. But how can you be sure that the king wrote this?" "Can't you do a handwriting analysis on the original poem or something?" "I guess that could work." I gave her a document written by the king for comparison. She did something, and five minutes later, gave me the results of the handwriting analysis. "Yes, this is the King's handwriting. So what do you want me to do with this poem?" "I want you to share this information with everyone in the city. The civilians, the military, the royal family, everybody. They must all know about this." "I'll do that if you give me 10,000 placebos." I can't afford that! I only have 3,000 placebos! Luckily, Circadin keeps 100,000 placebos on hand at all times. I asked for 7,500 of them, to give her a 500 placebo tip. She agreed reluctantly, and I gave the money to Seroquel. "Claritin, I'll make sure that everyone knows about this," she said.

I waited, with persistent anxiety throughout the whole time. This anxiety stopped when Princess Allegra knocked on my door.

She asked, "Is it true? It was the king?" "Yes, it is." "That man… curse him to Zoloft! I will not rest until he gets what he deserves! Focalin has agreed to invade the palace, and the palace guards have 'mysteriously' all quit their jobs. This is our time! We must go at once!" "Yes, Your Royal Highness!"

I ran outside and saw Focalin, OxyContin, and Seroquel waiting. They collectively said, "Let's do this!" While we were heading towards the palace, Focalin said, "It's weird, Concerta doesn't want to be involved here." I said, "I doubt that's a coincidence. Something deeper must be happening." After three minutes, which felt like decades, we arrived at the palace. Some of the former guards were in front of the door already. I asked them "May I enter?" One of the guards replied "We're facing towards the door. That means we're entering. We're entering… to end this tyrant's reign… once and for all!" That was a good sign, as we broke into the palace, with our weapons drawn. For me, the weapon I had was a random magical staff since Benadryl wasn't polished earlier. I was to lead the group. And I sure did.

"King Xanax, we are here to bring your crime of perjury to justice. You dared to defy the oath you swore to Methadose, and you going to pay for that. It's over for you." "Why, isn't it my precious little Claritin? You are by no means the first brave little man to learn of my actions. Wait… never mind. You are the first brave little man to know, but not the first brave little person to know. My precious puppet named MPH knows all about it. She practically knows more than I d-" "Shut up! I don't have any more time to listen to your whining!" I say as I order the team to approach him, and I point my staff directly at him. "You are a traitor, and will die a traitor's death! Stand down and face public execution, or advance and face summary execution by my hands. It matters little to me." I said, channeling my inner General Tullius. He just said, "Go ahead. I honestly don't care anymore. Let's just get this over with." And I sure did get it over with, as I used the staff to freeze him to death.

After the incident, we were confused. Who was this "MPH" that Xanax mentioned? I asked Allegra, And she suggested that it might be the name of a medication or something. And then… I opened up the Pharmacopoeia of Methadose again. Here we go, section M… melatonin, Circadin seemed surprised… metformin, I love sugar… methadone, I'll guess that the king wouldn't pray to Methadose just to say that he won't pray to him anymore… methotrexate, immunity is great… methylphenidate. Maybe that could be it since it's MethylPHenidate. Let's see here… brand names: Ritalin… no, Quillivant… no, Daytrana… no, Methylin… no, Concerta… wait. Concerta? It's Concerta! She knows about this. I informed the crew of this, as we returned, once again, to Concerta's room in the palace. She seemed agonized, and simply said, "Get away from me!" "Concerta, do you know anything about the former king's involvement with Zyrtec?" "No, I don't. Now, what did I just tell you to do?" "We will not leave here until you explain. Who was this 'MPH' the king was referring to? And why didn't you volunteer to raid the palace with us?" "I will keep those secrets until the day I die!" I drew my blade, and said, "If you think about it, that day could be today." This was sufficient to get her to confess. "Fine… I'll tell you, but please don't hurt me… Alright, so… it was true that he did all that, but he didn't do it alone… I was the one who made him do all of that. He had already abandoned Methadose by then… but I was the one who had him open those portals to Adderall… and I was responsible for what happened at that 'ceremony'. For the record, that ceremony wasn't celebrating anything; it was just an excuse for that incident to happen." "Why did you do all that?" "I… I contacted Versed. I knew that she was great at what she did… and that's why I hired her to… to… ensure that I would become queen." "To… ensure that you would become queen?" "Yes… I wanted her to… to kill my sister. I knew that King Xanax would be deposed for what he did, so I needed to guarantee my place on the throne. But, in hindsight… Allegra is much more qualified… and all luck to her as queen." "Thank you for your time. I will now leave you be." "Wait, before you go… I have a question." "What is it, Concerta?" "May… may I join your team?" "Why? Have you had a change of heart?" "I certainly have… and I greatly regret doing this all…" "I suppose we can let you join for a bit," I said foolishly. "Alright! I'm ready," she said in a very excited tone. "Welcome to the team," I said. The rest of the team clapped, as we departed.

We were not sure what to do next. Now that the king is dead, we now need to decide how to deal with Zyrtec. I asked Concerta if she had any suggestions. "Maybe, we could… I don't know… somehow get into Adderall and confront him." "How would we do that though?" "You're right… we would… we would have to deliberately create a portal to Adderall." "Don't you know how to do that?" "I do, but are you sure that we should do this?" "It may be our only chance to defeat Zyrtec once and for all." "That's right… so we need to do it." "Anyway, may Methadose be with us," I said; the rest of the crew, in unison, yelled, "Yes sir!" We were then ready to begin our final strike against Zyrtec.

Chapter VII: The Great Gate

We were ready, and on command, Concerta began the ritual. I randomly asked Allegra a question. "Wait… are you the queen now?" "No. I have specifically requested to not be crowned until this crisis is over. This means that when we return to Ambien, I will either be dead, or I will be the queen. Currently, the Council of Elders is governing Methadosia." "Alright." "Anyway, I greatly appreciate what you've done for me so far." "Y-You're welcome?" I'm not sure what I did for her that warrants that level of thanking.

Anyway, after Concerta recited a prayer in some foreign language, which seemed very similar to the one that the king wrote those notes in, after which a gigantic portal appeared in front of us. It looked like nothing we had ever seen before, but, before we had the chance to admire it, we jumped in.

This Plane of Adderall looked exactly the same as the other one. The difference is that this time, I heard some quiet voices in the distance. I had no idea where they came from. As we continued through the Plane, we found the tower with that stone. We walked in before realizing that it was a trap; we fell into some deep hole and heard the voice from earlier much more loudly. "Well, well, well, if it isn't our lovely Claritin." "You do realize that I'm not the only one here, right?" "Don't you try to be smart with me. For I am Desoxyn, the king of Adderall." "Where is Zyrtec?" "Oh, he's over there, laughing at you." "Over where?" "Oh, that is confidential." "You better tell me where he is right now." "'Oh no! I'm so scared now! Please don't hurt me!' I bet that's what you expected me to say. I'm not telling." "Well, that's fine." I dismissively said as I tried to find a way out of the hole. I found a lever and used it. I heard the voice again, this time louder: "Ah, smart man… but I'm afraid your intelligence is in vain. You are in fact stuck in here… forever."

I ignored what he said when I just had Concerta burn the floor using magic. I then found that there was, in fact, something beneath us. There was a flight of stairs, and we managed to fall directly on the top of the stairs. Well, with the exception of Focalin, who rather clumsily fell at the bottom of the stairs, and probably fractured his femur. Anyway, he managed to get up, and we climbed to the top and found a door. This door led to more stairs, which we climbed. This process repeated seven times until we got out of the stair place, and Desoxyn spoke again. "Bravo, my dears, you sure are smarter than I thought. I, however, am not endorsing your work, as it is all in vain."

After he said that, I felt the chest pain from the original incident again. I quickly reached into my bag for my nitroglycerin, but it wasn't there. Neither was my sword since I forgot to ask Concerta to polish it. I only had my staff and nothing else. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I was going to pray to Methadose for healing, before realizing two things about that: firstly, that wouldn't work, and secondly, praying to Methadose in Zyrtec's land would be very concerning for Desoxyn. I had nothing to do except keep running before everything went black.

After I woke up, my pain was mostly gone, and everyone was surrounding me. I was confused, wondering where I was, but when I fully regained consciousness, I was ready for my revenge. I ran over to the nearest tower. This tower did, in fact, not contain any traps. I climbed to the top of it as I did with the last Plane, and the cycle began again: creatures appear, slashy slash, they die, creatures appear, slashy slash, they die. There were more humanoid creatures in this tower than the last one; I think that about half of the creatures were those humanoids. I then reached out to grab the stone… and it wasn't there. I had climbed up this whole thing for absolutely nothing. Desoxyn responded to what had happened, rather rudely. "Ah, I take back what I said. You are completely incompetent at everything you do."

No matter how much he said all that, I wasn't going to lose hope. I had Concerta destroy the ceiling, and I climbed out of it. I proceeded to climb down the whole building somehow, and Focalin obviously broke his feet. Anyway, we walked to the next tower, and this one did have a trap. Every five seconds, one section of the stairs would flip upside down, so we had to run up the stairs very quickly. Then… creatures appear, slashy slash, they die, creatures appear, slashy slash, they die… we made it to the top again. We fought some more of those humanoids, and then we made it to where the stone is, and it was there. Concerta destroyed it using her magic… but we didn't return home. We found ourselves in some strange realm where Versed and Desoxyn were. Allegra interjected immediately upon seeing Versed. "Oh look, Versed. It looks like your little plan with my sister failed miserably." "Oh, Allegra, you poor, poor soul. I'm so, so sorry, but I'm afraid I will need to make sure that that plan succeeds." "Shut your mouth." "Oh, is someone hurt? Are you about to cry?" I interrupt and announce, "Yes, and that person is you!" "Oh, Clairy. You poor thing. Do you want something to drink?" "I've heard enough!" "Oh, I'm sorry, is something wr-" I used my staff to freeze her for a few seconds. She continued on with her sad little pitch. "Oh, if you want it all to end like this, then so be it," she said, as she began to attack us. Concerta led the offense, and I assisted. Focalin tried to get involved but accidentally hit Desoxyn instead, causing him to become aggressive. We now had to deal with both of these enemies at once. We decided to defeat one at a time, starting with Versed. Concerta was essentially able to singlehandedly defeat her using her fire magic, but I made sure to land the final hit for fun.

Desoxyn, on the other hand, was a bit harder to deal with. Circadin needed to use her sleepy staff, which had recharged since last time, to buy us time to use the fire magic and other weapons. At some point, my staff was depleted, and I had to resort to using my bare fists for a while. By "a while", I mean, "for about thirty seconds before Allegra gave me her staff which was significantly worse than Concerta's since she is not as good a sorceress as her sister." This staff worked wonders, and we were able to defeat Desoxyn.

We had defeated all of the Dark Lord's right-hand humans. We were about ready to take on the Dark Lord himself. And take him on we did.

Chapter VIII: Zyrtec's Fall

We weren't sure what to do after dealing with Versed and Desoxyn. We decided to just walk straight forward, hoping that we would find something, and we did. What we found was a strange sign saying "To the left!" I was confused about this but decided to walk to the left anyway. It, obviously, was a trap. We were thrown upwards several meters using a hidden trampoline, and spikes were directly above our heads, but we were able to avoid them and continue on this new strange path that we had found. Desoxyn's role as the professional hope reducer was filled in by Zyrtec here. "My friends, this is all futile. You will all receive what has been waiting for you in due time." I presume that he was referring to death, which I will ensure is something that we do not receive. Anyway, we eventually found another sign, this one being written in the same strange language that the three notes were written in. It was at this point that I remembered that I had brought OxyContin with me and asked her to try to decipher it. After about ten minutes of standing there doing absolutely nothing, Oxy deciphered it. It said as follows: "The king was a great man, but now he is gone With no new supporters, I now feel withdrawn Madness is merry, and merriment's might When the jester instructs you to take a right."

I don't know what the whole jester part was about, but I decided to follow what this strange note said, and took a right. Three ghost-like creatures began to attack me; only me. I used Allegra's staff to deal with them all, and it worked wonders. I proceeded forward until we found another of those signs in a foreign language, and this time there were five possible options for where I could go. I obviously had Oxy decipher it again, but this time, it was written a bit differently. "Yo no te voy a dar ningun cariñito Eso debes de pedir de tu padrecito Pero un dia te doy tus remedios Si tu entras el puerta en el medio."

This one appears to be written in Spanish. Since I do not have access to Google Translate in hell, and since Spanish is one of the only languages that Oxy doesn't know, I will have to reverse engineer what this says by relating each word here to a word in English. So… I think I've got it. "You no tea van a dam penguin caring Esther debt den pediatrics den to pan dressing Per one day tea do toss remedies Sin to enter L portal in L medium." That doesn't seem quite correct, but I guess it means I have to choose the "medium" door, so the one in the middle? I went there, and it was correct. Zyrtec then made a random comment. "Ah, I see that our Claritin over here knows a bit of Spanish! I'm impressed, I really am!"

I tried my best to control my rage after hearing that. I continued forward with no suspicious signs in sight before I suddenly was teleported to some strange other location. Focalin, Seroquel, and OxyContin stayed where I was before, and only Allegra, Concerta, and I were in this location. The Zyrtec I remember from the sham ceremony had returned, but this one was winged and had two additional arms. He looked like he was about to give some major speech. And he sure way. "You three… I've noticed that you are a bit… brave. You are the only puny humans who have dared to defy me. However, I believe that that honor will be rather short-lived for you all. Soon, the statement 'you are the only puny humans who have dared to defy me' will be false, and the statement that will be true will be 'you were the only puny humans who dared to defy me.'" "Empty threats are not sufficient for me." "Oh well, if you think that these threats are empty, then you can think again."

I see that my sword Benadryl magically formed out of nothing, and was fully polished. "What does this mean?" "Well, I want there to be at least some fairness in this epic battle. Anyway… let us begin!"

The final battle had begun. At this point, there was no going back. I used my newly regained sword to land the first hit, to which he responded by striking bolts of lightning, that I managed to dodge. The bolts did form large holes in the floor, however, and I needed to ensure that everyone steered clear of them. Concerta used her iconic fire magic, and I saw Allegra use some strange spell that I'd never seen before, supposedly called "Tylenol" or something. I tried to use my Benadryl sword, but I ended up accidentally using a new spell that I learned from Versed called "Advil". I have no idea what all these spells are for. Zyrtec then attacked by releasing pollen into the atmosphere, making us all very annoyed. Concerta was able to reverse this using her iconic "Haldol" spell, and we carried on. Zyrtec then decided that that wasn't enough, releasing peanuts into the atmosphere. Luckily, we had a great supply of the EpiPen spell that allowed us to deal with that. He then released some strange person supposedly named "Roxicodone" before us, whom he said was the son of Versed. We dealt with him quite quickly, however. As a last resort, Zyrtec tried to use the Cytokine Storm spell, which rapidly depletes our health, but, while he was charging the spell, I swung my Benadryl sword. He cried out saying a series of strange things, one of which being, "Curse you, Claritin… you scandalous scoundrel…" and seemed to curse everyone else to Zoloft, before he disintegrated into several pieces, and exploded. After the explosion, Oxy, Seroquel, and Focalin magically returned… and we suddenly found ourselves in front of the royal palace… knowing that we had just saved all of Ambien, forever.

Chapter IX: Recovery Concerta just stood there in disbelief. Oxy and Focalin collectively asked, "What happened?" "We have now gained freedom from Zyrtec." "H-He's dead?" asked Focalin. "Yes." "You did it! Congratulations!" "Think nothing of it." "Alright, so what happens now? Do we tell the king about this?" "What king?" "Oh… I forgot about that. By the way, is Allegra the queen yet?" "She will become the queen later today." "I can't wait! My sister-in-law will become the queen!" "I can't wait either, honestly," I admitted before turning to Allegra. "Hey, Allegra?" "Yes, Claritin?" "I just thought that now would be a good time to call you 'Your Royal Highness' for the last time." "T-Thank you!"

I decided that it was time to inform the public of what had happened, and did this by asking Seroquel to publish a story about it, now with no fear of execution by the king. This article became a hit, and many other newspapers requested interviews from me. Here is one of those interviews. "Alright, next to me is Claire Atin, the savior of Ambien. He has killed Zyrtec, and we no longer must wait for the Time of Cleansing." "Okay, firstly, my name is not 'Claire Atin', it's 'Claritin'." "Got it, Clair- I mean Claritin. Anyway, for how long have you been a knight?" "Seven years." "When did you kill the tyrannical king?" "Yesterday." "How long ago did you kill Zyrtec?" "Ten minutes ago." "Describe your relationship with Allegra." "She's nice, I guess." "Alright, s- what's happening?" I developed chest pain again and was rushed to Dexedrine's office. At this point, he was a bit tired of seeing me, but he told me that I had a condition called "Takotsubo cardiomyopathy" or something. I was given aspirin again, but they also noticed that my pre-existing heart problem was worsening. I was diagnosed with coronary artery disease, and they needed to do a surgery called a "cabbage" or something like that. I got that surgery, and when I woke up, they didn't give me any recovery time for some reason, and I immediately exited his office to the same reporters from before the incident. I just ran away from them this time.

It was about time for the ceremony to begin. Allegra was about to be crowned queen. Judging by what I'm saying, it may sound like something terrible happened, but that is wrong.

Chapter X: ¡La Alegría de Allegra!

It was the 16th of First Seed. I felt just like how I did during the sham ceremony; I was sweating profusely and shivering because I needed to speak first. And speak first I did. "My name is Claritin, I am a knight of seven years. I am here because Princess Allegra is going to be crowned queen," I said nervously. "Explain the circumstances of what has happened," said some unknown man. "Uh, so, about a week ago, a supposed ceremony was held at this palace. Shortly before the event was supposed to begin, the Dark Lord Zyrtec appeared before us and made a threat to Her Royal Highness's life. We were then determined to ensure that that threat would never come to fruition. We went through several adventures, and eventually discovered former king Xanax's role in the incident. He was summarily executed for his crimes. After this happened, the Council of Elders governed Methadosia for a while, before we traveled to Adderall and killed Zyrtec and company, and we returned. After I got some strange surgery, I came here, to this palace, to deliver this random, highly unnecessary speech." "Okay… so, may Her Royal Highness take the stand?" "Yes," said Allegra. She continued. "You see, Claritin has been exceptional in his service to Methadose, so I wondered 'Should he really be just a knight? Maybe he should have some higher position of sorts.' And I have decided that he deserves a higher position, for I hereby declare him… Champion of Methadose!"

The crowd cheered, as I was rewarded with a medal and a strange set of armor. It was unlike anything I had seen before. Allegra continued her speech.

"As for me, I accept my promotion to the status of queen. I mean, it's not like I had a choice, but I decided to formalize this for everyone watching. Anyway, can Claritin return to the stand?"

I was confused, as the new monarch does not typically make such an order. I, therefore, responded primarily in disbelief and confusion. "Y-Yes, Your Majesty?" "For the record, I have not been crowned yet, so I am still technically considered to be a princess." "O-Okay, Your Royal Highness?" "Anyway, I have realized that, besides being an excellent knight, you are also, as a whole, an excellent person." "Where are you going with this?" "And as such, I have a question here." "Ask away." "You see, I said that you deserve a higher position, but I think that even 'Champion of Methadose' is not sufficient for a person of your caliber. I feel like you deserve a royal title." "I-I don't think that you can just randomly declare someone a prince or something…" "Actually, you can, but you have to do it… rather indirectly." "Okay… so what was the question?" "The question was… w-will… will you marry me?" "Uh… yes!" I said in utter disbelief at what she had just suggested. "Thank you, Your Royal Highness!"

I could not believe that she had used that title to refer to me, but I just had to believe it, since it had actually happened. Allegra was crowned, and the ceremony then came to a close, but OxyContin had one last thing to speak about with me.

"Your Royal Highness, I'd like to tell you something." "What is it, ma'am?" "For the record, you are now technically my superior, so 'ma'am' is no longer necessary. Anyway, do you remember when there was the Spanish note that I told you I couldn't decipher?" "Yes, I do remember that…" "I actually do know Spanish. I just said that I didn't because I thought that you needed to be challenged more." "W-W-WHY?" "I thought it would benefit you, and it did, in a way." "Why are you just telling me about this now?" "It's because I've written one of those notes now." "You have?" "Yes, it is right here, Your Royal Highness."

I looked at the note with my new royal eyes, and vaguely understood what it said. "La alegría de Allegra Ella ahora tiene una boca negra Claritin y Allegra si saben uno al otro Y tambien ellos saben a nosotros Ya yo quero tomar una foto suyo		Allegra, ella no es mi suegra Pero ella es como una madre Y Claritin es como un padre Mia… mia…" I understood that this is about Allegra and I. That's about it.

Anyway, let's recap. I was invited by the king to go to a sham ceremony, Zyrtec comes and threatens Allegra, I go through my list of medications, I end up in Adderall, I find some strange notes while there and escape, I find out that those notes implicate our king in the incident, Allegra, Focalin, Seroquel, OxyContin and I raid the palace and execute the king, I deliberately enter Adderall again and deal with Versed and Desoxyn, confront Zyrtec while still in Adderall and save all of Ambien, was interviewed by some random person before going to get open-heart surgery, and then got married to the new queen of Methadosia… all in under two weeks. That must be a personal record! Anyway, I'll take a bit of a break from the whole "being a prince" thing, and will hopefully do something meaningful. I probably won't.